shame on me

i honestly think i keep up with this blog much better in the summer.

don't worry, summer's coming. i will have a lot more to say then :)

different names for the same thing

let that be enough

rainy days make me contemplative. so here goes.

recently, i've been feeling a wave of devastating apathy. combine that along with a sudden onset of reclusive behavior, and you've got a recipe for disaster. or at least some prolonged period sitting in my little emo corner. and i'm not really sure where all of this stemmed from, it just...is.

today, walking along in the frigid rainy weather to class, i realized that apathy is perhaps not quite the right word to use here because underneath all of my weird mixed up feelings, is a general brokenheartedness about something. that something which has no name.

this is all a little vague.

i know this is strange to say but it actually feels a little bit like God has somehow abandoned me. and this utter loneliness is what i feel. that's He's not there in the leaves or accompanying me to class or sitting in on my conversations with others. this loneliness that nobody else can fill. i know i'm being ridiculous here. God is always by my side, i know, i know. but maybe You can show me a little more?

let me know that You hear me
let me know Your touch
let me know that You love me
let that be enough

pas si simple

i recently got around to finally watching Amelie (perhaps a few years too late) and found myself placing that movie near the top of my favorites list. i identify very strongly with amelie in having a ridiculously vivid imagination, day-dreaming 24/7, and the utter loneliness she feels deep down.

sometimes when on my way to class, especially on rainy days, i become amazed at every little detail of the world-- listening to the sound of each and every raindrop hitting my umbrella, gently taking in the lovely soggy wet smell of the air, becoming aware of the movement of every muscle in my body working in conjunction to move me forward. it's hypnotizing, really.

and on those days, i feel outside of myself, as if i'm floating high above the earth, looking down on the little girl holding a red umbrella. and all fo a sudden, i get this awful sense of loneliness...like the rest of the world has no idea that i'm floating there and couldn't care less as they rush by, splashing water onto the little girl.

so blended into a deep sense of connection with the world, i feel a disconnection with it. it's all a little bittersweet.

romeo and juliet

often times we reduce religion down to its people, its rules, its failings. we debate, and argue, and fight wars in the name of religious purposes. we forget that religion itself carries with it only what man has created.
christianity in pop culture has become something that christians don't even want to identify themselves with anymore. what once stood by faith alone has become so twisted, so intellectualized, so tainted with the sins of man that most people look down upon believers, and believers themselves doubt and hide themselves in the shadows. having faith now translates to "being religious" which carries with it such a negative connotation that it leaves us with a bitter taste in our mouths.
it is quite a shame because believing the gospel of Christ is quite the opposite of what pop culture has to say about it. the christian faith, stripped of all its embellishments is a rather simple love story. even after man failed Him again and again and again, God still hasn't given up on us. and what's more is that He has sent His only son to die in our place so that we may be rescued. you and i. and there's no catch. no need to do a million good deeds to earn this love. no need to pay Him back. it's completely unconditional love, completely free. being Christian isn't about following a set of rules outlined in the bible, or going to church x times a year, or even volunteering at homeless shelters in order to obtain a ticket to heaven. it's about saying yes to a relationship, one that fills you to the brim with life and love, and respecting and honoring the one you love.
i know everything i'm saying seems pretty obvious to those of us who have grown up hearing this in church, youth group, or bible study. but i also think that we often lose ourselves in "being christian" to actually be Christian. we see Him as a nagging conscience or an obligation that we must fulfill, not for the lover we choose to love back. every time i hear, talk, or read about Christ, i have a overwhelming feeling of raw emotion rise within me. a sense of awe, a sense of complete humility, a sense of longing for Him to fix me. for those of you do not yet believe, i know how you feel. it all seems too vague, a little too good to be true, and somewhat hypocritical to the image of Christ circulating in the world today (and i want to apologize for all the "christians" you have encountered who did not represent Him in his true light). i don't think i've ever truly understood the message of Christ until recently. i've heard it, but there were always too many philosophical, logistic questions in the way about suffering and hell and whatever else. now it's finally resonating within me and the answers to those question are slowly becoming clearer. to believe, you need not to be "convinced." just listen and He will provide you more than you should ever desire.

john 3:16


(wow, rob bell really inspired me to write more than i ever thought i would)

uh oh

i had a caffeine headache today.
i think i'm addicted to coffee bean. crap.

lump

recently i've noticed some changes working within me. at first, i didn't necessarily consider these changes to be either good or bad; just thought of them as a normal part of growing up. but then, i started thinking...

let me explain.

about little over a month ago, i was kind of retarded and hit my car against a pole. it didn't cause any major damage, just a semi-noticeable scratch on the front right bumper portion of my car. i failed to mention it to my parents, partly due to the fact that i know it would anger them and partly due to my own selfish desire to avoid their lecturing. thus, i just let it be and went on about my business.

the sad thing was, i didn't even feel that guilty about it and moved on with my life. i didn't consider it a big deal and chose to ignore it.

then, about two days ago, my dad discovered that scratch and he confronted me about it. but instead of fessing up and apologizing, i actually became defensive, trying to convince him that it was no big idea and gave him attitude for "overreacting." when my mother heard the news, she went on to reprimand about on not informing them when things go wrong. she even went so far as to suggest that if i didn't think it was necessarily to include them in my life, i might as well not be a part of this family. as i listened to her yell at me, i became increasingly irritated at the fact that they were making such a big deal out of this small incident. it was later that i realized that during this whole ordeal, i never once even felt guilty or obliged to apologize. clearly, i was in the wrong, but somehow, i instinctive felt that i was being wrongfully condemned for a petty crime.

where had my conscience gone? when did i become such an arrogant jerk who shows such disrespect towards her parents? who was i to think that they were overreacting?

i think many of us, in growing up, lose some of our innate childhood sense of humility and conscience. things that were thought to be SO WRONG when we were children, don't seem that bad anymore. an act that we would have suffered in guilt before, we don't even acknowledge as inherently wrong anymore. and in some ways, we've become desensitized to committing these sins. somewhere along the road, we learned to make such extravagant excuses, excuses so brilliant and seemingly logical, that we actually believe that our justifications are valid (and act accordingly). the more i thought about this, the more disconcerting the whole notion became. i never wanted this to happen to me...and yet, without even knowing it, i've subconsciously transformed into this ugly person that i don't even recognize.

as c.s. lewis wrote, "indeed, the safest road to hell is the gradual one--the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts."

today, i am reminded of how utterly flawed i am. i will try better tomorrow.

thank You for opening my eyes.