recently i've noticed some changes working within me. at first, i didn't necessarily consider these changes to be either good or bad; just thought of them as a normal part of growing up. but then, i started thinking...
let me explain.
about little over a month ago, i was kind of retarded and hit my car against a pole. it didn't cause any major damage, just a semi-noticeable scratch on the front right bumper portion of my car. i failed to mention it to my parents, partly due to the fact that i know it would anger them and partly due to my own selfish desire to avoid their lecturing. thus, i just let it be and went on about my business.
the sad thing was, i didn't even feel that guilty about it and moved on with my life. i didn't consider it a big deal and chose to ignore it.
then, about two days ago, my dad discovered that scratch and he confronted me about it. but instead of fessing up and apologizing, i actually became defensive, trying to convince him that it was no big idea and gave him attitude for "overreacting." when my mother heard the news, she went on to reprimand about on not informing them when things go wrong. she even went so far as to suggest that if i didn't think it was necessarily to include them in my life, i might as well not be a part of this family. as i listened to her yell at me, i became increasingly irritated at the fact that they were making such a big deal out of this small incident. it was later that i realized that during this whole ordeal, i never once even felt guilty or obliged to apologize. clearly, i was in the wrong, but somehow, i instinctive felt that i was being wrongfully condemned for a petty crime.
where had my conscience gone? when did i become such an arrogant jerk who shows such disrespect towards her parents? who was i to think that they were overreacting?
i think many of us, in growing up, lose some of our innate childhood sense of humility and conscience. things that were thought to be SO WRONG when we were children, don't seem that bad anymore. an act that we would have suffered in guilt before, we don't even acknowledge as inherently wrong anymore. and in some ways, we've become desensitized to committing these sins. somewhere along the road, we learned to make such extravagant excuses, excuses so brilliant and seemingly logical, that we actually believe that our justifications are valid (and act accordingly). the more i thought about this, the more disconcerting the whole notion became. i never wanted this to happen to me...and yet, without even knowing it, i've subconsciously transformed into this ugly person that i don't even recognize.
as c.s. lewis wrote, "indeed, the safest road to hell is the gradual one--the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts."
today, i am reminded of how utterly flawed i am. i will try better tomorrow.
thank You for opening my eyes.
5 comments:
that resonates with me.
I'm sure everyone can relate to this incident in some way (and I do), but I disagree with you on a couple of points...
First, I don't think children necessarily have a better "innate sense of humility and conscience". If anything, it's LESS in children... Children and adolescents and adults have different thought processes; "childish" and "mature" have their respective negative and positive connotations for a reason.
As kids, we don't really know what humility and conscience is, and we don't react to things with that in consideration; I mean, that's partly why kids say the darnedest things. And we thought that things were "SO WRONG" as kids because that's what the adults told us (and honestly, I don't think I ever really sat down to analyze the morality of any issue when I was a kid).
So in that case, I don't think that growing up causes us to "lose" our sense of humility and conscience, because we didn't have a good sense of what they were to begin with. The biggest difference, I think, is not so much how we differentiate right or wrong and such as we get older, but how we are able to give humility and conscience a definition in an effort to incorporate them in ourselves. And there are positive as well as negative consequences to that, because it's difficult to tell what our intentions are in having such an ambition. Additionally, having that sort of knowledge gives us more of a responsibility for our actions. And we recognize that, which is why adults struggle with their conscience and humility moreso than children, and not because children have a better sense of those things.
Those are my $0.02, for what they're worth.
But anyway, I'm encouraged by the fact that you took the time to give this so much thought. See, it shows that you're a more mature person than you may think you are!
(reply to alice)
i'm not saying that children somehow inherently "know better" than adults do. but what i am commenting on is the fact as a child, at least we feel ashamed when we've disobeyed our parents who've taught us right from wrong. as we grow older, we've replaced our parents with our own judgment...and under our own judgment, we've learned to ignore the implications of our wrongful actions. we have a tendency to make gray something black and white and make excuses and justifications for our actions. a child sees things simply as right/wrong as evidenced by their parent's reaction and feels shame that he has done something "wrong". but as adults, we SHOULD know better yet we fail to even feel bad about the sins we've committed.
Okay, in that sense we are more or less in agreement. :)
Straight right. We all relate. Following our shared reading, I am thinking of these as Garden of Eden moments in our lives. And if my deductive mind is operating, you might be having another one in two weeks?
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