Blogger, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr...what?

I have too many blogs.

I am one of those people who is interested in everything but never actually sticks to anything. I am that girl who signs up for every single club at the activities fair with fantasies of making XYZ Club the most popular organization on campus, but ends up barely making it to two meetings the entire year. Then somewhere down the line, I become tremendously disappointed in my lack of success and end up eating a pint of ice cream to assuage of my self-pitying feelings of inadequacy, when really, I never invested in any of my endeavors to begin with. The fact that I have a blogger, a twitter, a facebook, a tumblr, a google+, a myspace, and a weibo (...I think my xanga and livejournal are still around too...) but hardly use any of them, illustrates my point precisely. I like brainstorming ideas and even starting projects, but I rarely have the patience to see things through. (Already, I'm beginning to question whether I should finish/publish this entry at all...) Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist and I assume that whatever I'll be able to create will never measure up to my expectations. Maybe I'm too scared that truly investing in something carries too high of a risk of disappointment. Maybe I just can't commit. 

I can't even commit to a blog; how am I ever going accomplish anything meaningful for the world?

matthew 18:3

wow.

for the past few nights, i've been spit on, chased after, screamed at, and knocked around by a bunch of rambunctious K-5th graders all for the sake of planting little seeds. yet, in the process of teaching these kids who God is, i've come to see and feel the very essence of God's presence through them. i couldn't help but tear up a couple of times just watching their pure eagerness and enthusiasm. though they may not fully grasp concepts like grace, forgiveness, and faith, they are able to jump in with both feet. and isn't that just what God wants everyone of us to do? leap into his arms with no hesistation--completely trusting, completely faithful. i am utterly and completely exhausted now but i am brimming with joy and hope and happiness. i am so thankful that i was blessed with such a dynamic and enthusiastic (not to mention, absolutely adorable) group of kids who taught me more about Him than i ever expected. God is soooo amazing and infinitely good.

I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kindgom of heaven. --Matthew 18:3

just wow.

A Pittsburgh Summer

I'm back in Pittsburgh--where the strangers are nicer, the streets are never straight, and the weather is ever so dreadful--for the summer. When I got off the plane at 6 AM yesterday and walked through the silent airport, I had the strange warm settled feeling in my heart, you know, the kind that you feel when you've returned home from a long trip. The funny thing is, I didn't feel like this returning to Hangzhou; I didn't feel like this when I returned from China to SoPas; yet, I feel like this when I return to school...? Never in a million years would I imagine myself really attached to this place. But here I am.

***

Today, a friend and I went to Big Mama's House of Soul, which I finally decided to venture into after reading a top chef's recommendation in a travel mag. For those who don't know, it's a ridiculously tiny one room bright golden yellow building in the strip district that serves the best soul food around. Inside, every inch of wall space is lined with Steeler posters and paraphernalia, declaring that you're entering STEEELER NATION now. Behind the counter, there are only two people working, but by the smell of it, they're cooking up something absolutely delicious. We ordered four pulled pork sandwiches: two for ourselves and two for other friends who have requested us to bring those infamous creations back for them. While the guy started preparing our order, he struck up a conversation with me about "his girl"--namely, his frustrations with the confusing nature of a particular woman. I guess he figured that since it takes a woman to know women, he'd ask me for my opinion. Twenty-odd minutes and a string of crazy relationship stories later, I was finally allowed out of the door with my sandwiches. I was thoroughly amused by the encounter but longed to statisfy my growling stomach. Later, I found out that the initial delay only made the sandwich--stuffed with pulled pork and dripping with barbeque sauce--well worth the time spent chatting with a stranger. What a delicious afternoon...

travels down under

Gosh, I've ignored this thing for forever. I knew I couldn't actually keep a blog...I'm such a commitment-phobe.

I got back from my travels Down Under about two weeks ago. Besides it being a "family vaca", it was truly a delightful experience being away from bustling cities and annoying people and the ever-present stress of exams for a month. For many people who've been to New Zealand, the untouched, gorgeous landscape is usually the main highlight. For me, it was the attitude and the cultural mindset of the people that stood out above the rest. The first impression that I had of these people was that they were all so laid-back and just chilllll. We stayed in many holiday parks, which are basically high-tech campsites with shared shower/kitchen facilities. One particular park in Westport, there were many Kiwis (what New Zealanders call themselves) from other parts of New Zealand who worked in Westport and lived in that holiday park five days a week. As we cooked dinner next to a bunch of them, we easily struck up conversations with them. By the end of the night, we had befriended half the camp and sang and laughed along with them. It was such a heart-warming moment. Moreover, I found the people of New Zealand to be just honest and good people in general. At every tourist location, not a single shopkeeper or tour agency came up to us to try to sell their product. They let us browse undisturbed and when we did want to purchase something or ask a question, they not only provided us with a comprehensive answer, they also introduced us to better money-saving deals that we weren't aware of. Maybe it's just me, but I haven't been to many places in the world with salesmen not obviously eager to make a good sale. I must say, the refreshing hospitality of the country was the icing on the cake of an incredible trip.

But now I'm back in the land of cities and pissed-off LA drivers and the impending doom that is the MCAT. Gosh, it's so depressing here.

poetic solitary dinner

Today I ate by myself at a restaurant for the first time ever.

Snuggled up in a dim corner of Little Asia, I ordered just about the most unoriginal meal of sesame chicken, spring rolls, and hot and sour soup. For lack of anything to do and not wanting to be at risk for staring loser-ishly off into space, I pretentiously took out some history reading while I waited for my food. To my amusement, I discovered that our reading for this week included a collection of World War I inspired poems. I sat there pretending to be deeply engrossed in my material all the while wishing I had ordered take-out so that I could be eating at home in front of my computer instead. Unable to bear the onslaught of more loser-ish thoughts, I actually began reading the poems...really reading them.

By the time my food arrived, I had finished about half of my reading. I felt slightly annoyed; one, for the food that interrupted my fascinating read, and two, for the eventual analysis I would have to write for these poems.

What's worse than writing poetry analysis papers? The mind-numbing task of having to read your own pretentious work afterward.

Poetry is poetry because of the emotions the elicit from the human heart. Describing what I feel or how someone is supposed to feel render the poem worthless in my eyes. Add onto that judgment, arrogance, and some bs about the quality of imagery and tone...it just makes me want to barf. Oh, the agony!

Just read the damn poem.

a different valentine

Every year, when February 14th rolls around, I find all those around me aligning themselves with one of two groups: the pro-valentine traditionalists and the anti-valentine revolutionaries. The traditionalists prep themselves by going all out, creating the perfect Hallmark valentine's day experience while burning a serious hole in their wallet, while the revolutionaries scope out the hottest parties to get trashed and laid. (Those who don't go out secretly wish they could.) I, however, do not identify myself with either group and find them both rather appalling. Supporters of Valentine's Day in this day and age feed the incessant and increasing commercialism of our society, and the rowdy members of the S.A.D. club take they're whining a little too far. Thus, Valentine's Day has been reduced to a day of high expectations and bitter disappointments...all in hopes of finding a little bit of lovin' in this world.

For the past six years that Valentine's Day has meant something to me, I've perceived and celebrated this ridiculous holiday a little bit differently. No matter if I'm single, taken, or somewhere in between, no matter who showers me with glamorous gifts and flowers, I've chosen to make Valentine's Day a day about others, more specifically, those other than my significant other. I believe that it doesn't take a nationally marked holiday for a couple to give to each other. Valentine's Day shouldn't be the reason for buying flowers or cooking a significant other breakfast in the morning. And Valentine's Day shouldn't be a day to have higher expectations of grand gestures for someone whom you care so much about. Giving should be a daily routine. My Valentine's Day celebration is a celebration of my love for friends, for family, for random people that I've come to appreciate but forgotten about over time. It's a day for baking cookies for people who least expect it; for sharing a laugh with those who aren't on the top of your list of priorities most of the time; for thanking those you take for granted; for loving those who are hardest to love. Rather than an excuse to buy extravagant gifts, party, or have sex in new positions, Valentine's Day is my excuse to bring smiles and a little more happiness to those who need it most.

I think that's how Christ sees not only Valentine's Day, but each and every day.

Happy Valentine's Day. <3>