It's hard to breathe sometimes, hard to put down the million and one what ifs swimming through my mind. It takes real effort just to not give up sometimes, no matter how many failures pass my way. It's difficult, this vague and uncertain future.Ever since the first day I started school here at Pitt, people have always asked me, "Why Pitt?" I'd like to say that I have a good reason for coming to this random place 3000 miles and 40 degrees below the norm of California. I usually don on my mature tone of voice and explain intelligently all the pros of attending school at Pitt rather than some name brand university, emphasizing my acceptance to Pitt's conditional track into Pitt med school. But as of now, I'm not sure why I'm here, or what I'm doing here. I would love to say that I've got this grand plan of attending a prestigious medical school, graduating with honors, getting accepted into an excellent residency program hopefully in Boston MGH (Massachusetts General Hospital, or better known as "Man's Greatest Hospital"), and all the while finding the love of my life and starting a family. And maybe that's how it'll turn out. But recently, things surely don't feel that way. I keep fighting losing battles and the brightness of the future I had envisioned seems to be waning. I often find myself saying to God, "Okay, you brought me here...why aren't things going according to plan?" When I don't hear a clear vocal reply back, I am left scared, confused, and frustrated.
But then I remembered the words of a wise friend.
"You have no idea what God has in store for you. The plan you have is your plan, not God's. Who knows? He might have called you to Pittsburgh to do something beyond your imagination. He might have called you to be there for one person. He might have called you there to stretch your limits and help you grow. So don't worry too much about sticking perfectly to the plan because God probably has a bigger and better one for you."It's true, I've been so worried and caught up with my own plan that I've forgotten that my life isn't mine to begin with. I've kept asking God why my plan wasn't going so well without considering and trusting in His. I've been anxiously doing everything in my time rather than living in His time.
"It's always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things." - Blue Like Jazz
God, please help me to see things through Your eyes. Give me the patience and faith to realize Your plan for me.
2 comments:
Me too, me too. I started to realize that everything I was doing was according to my own 'ideal plan' and when you decide that you're better at playing god, you're bound to be humbled. And only in humility can you see clearly, be truly grateful, and walk by faith and not by sight. Life is most exciting this way and worth every bit of the pain :)
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