let that be enough

rainy days make me contemplative. so here goes.

recently, i've been feeling a wave of devastating apathy. combine that along with a sudden onset of reclusive behavior, and you've got a recipe for disaster. or at least some prolonged period sitting in my little emo corner. and i'm not really sure where all of this stemmed from, it just...is.

today, walking along in the frigid rainy weather to class, i realized that apathy is perhaps not quite the right word to use here because underneath all of my weird mixed up feelings, is a general brokenheartedness about something. that something which has no name.

this is all a little vague.

i know this is strange to say but it actually feels a little bit like God has somehow abandoned me. and this utter loneliness is what i feel. that's He's not there in the leaves or accompanying me to class or sitting in on my conversations with others. this loneliness that nobody else can fill. i know i'm being ridiculous here. God is always by my side, i know, i know. but maybe You can show me a little more?

let me know that You hear me
let me know Your touch
let me know that You love me
let that be enough

pas si simple

i recently got around to finally watching Amelie (perhaps a few years too late) and found myself placing that movie near the top of my favorites list. i identify very strongly with amelie in having a ridiculously vivid imagination, day-dreaming 24/7, and the utter loneliness she feels deep down.

sometimes when on my way to class, especially on rainy days, i become amazed at every little detail of the world-- listening to the sound of each and every raindrop hitting my umbrella, gently taking in the lovely soggy wet smell of the air, becoming aware of the movement of every muscle in my body working in conjunction to move me forward. it's hypnotizing, really.

and on those days, i feel outside of myself, as if i'm floating high above the earth, looking down on the little girl holding a red umbrella. and all fo a sudden, i get this awful sense of loneliness...like the rest of the world has no idea that i'm floating there and couldn't care less as they rush by, splashing water onto the little girl.

so blended into a deep sense of connection with the world, i feel a disconnection with it. it's all a little bittersweet.