i had a caffeine headache today.
i think i'm addicted to coffee bean. crap.
i think i'm addicted to coffee bean. crap.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
lump
recently i've noticed some changes working within me. at first, i didn't necessarily consider these changes to be either good or bad; just thought of them as a normal part of growing up. but then, i started thinking...
let me explain.
about little over a month ago, i was kind of retarded and hit my car against a pole. it didn't cause any major damage, just a semi-noticeable scratch on the front right bumper portion of my car. i failed to mention it to my parents, partly due to the fact that i know it would anger them and partly due to my own selfish desire to avoid their lecturing. thus, i just let it be and went on about my business.
the sad thing was, i didn't even feel that guilty about it and moved on with my life. i didn't consider it a big deal and chose to ignore it.
then, about two days ago, my dad discovered that scratch and he confronted me about it. but instead of fessing up and apologizing, i actually became defensive, trying to convince him that it was no big idea and gave him attitude for "overreacting." when my mother heard the news, she went on to reprimand about on not informing them when things go wrong. she even went so far as to suggest that if i didn't think it was necessarily to include them in my life, i might as well not be a part of this family. as i listened to her yell at me, i became increasingly irritated at the fact that they were making such a big deal out of this small incident. it was later that i realized that during this whole ordeal, i never once even felt guilty or obliged to apologize. clearly, i was in the wrong, but somehow, i instinctive felt that i was being wrongfully condemned for a petty crime.
where had my conscience gone? when did i become such an arrogant jerk who shows such disrespect towards her parents? who was i to think that they were overreacting?
i think many of us, in growing up, lose some of our innate childhood sense of humility and conscience. things that were thought to be SO WRONG when we were children, don't seem that bad anymore. an act that we would have suffered in guilt before, we don't even acknowledge as inherently wrong anymore. and in some ways, we've become desensitized to committing these sins. somewhere along the road, we learned to make such extravagant excuses, excuses so brilliant and seemingly logical, that we actually believe that our justifications are valid (and act accordingly). the more i thought about this, the more disconcerting the whole notion became. i never wanted this to happen to me...and yet, without even knowing it, i've subconsciously transformed into this ugly person that i don't even recognize.
as c.s. lewis wrote, "indeed, the safest road to hell is the gradual one--the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts."
today, i am reminded of how utterly flawed i am. i will try better tomorrow.
thank You for opening my eyes.
let me explain.
about little over a month ago, i was kind of retarded and hit my car against a pole. it didn't cause any major damage, just a semi-noticeable scratch on the front right bumper portion of my car. i failed to mention it to my parents, partly due to the fact that i know it would anger them and partly due to my own selfish desire to avoid their lecturing. thus, i just let it be and went on about my business.
the sad thing was, i didn't even feel that guilty about it and moved on with my life. i didn't consider it a big deal and chose to ignore it.
then, about two days ago, my dad discovered that scratch and he confronted me about it. but instead of fessing up and apologizing, i actually became defensive, trying to convince him that it was no big idea and gave him attitude for "overreacting." when my mother heard the news, she went on to reprimand about on not informing them when things go wrong. she even went so far as to suggest that if i didn't think it was necessarily to include them in my life, i might as well not be a part of this family. as i listened to her yell at me, i became increasingly irritated at the fact that they were making such a big deal out of this small incident. it was later that i realized that during this whole ordeal, i never once even felt guilty or obliged to apologize. clearly, i was in the wrong, but somehow, i instinctive felt that i was being wrongfully condemned for a petty crime.
where had my conscience gone? when did i become such an arrogant jerk who shows such disrespect towards her parents? who was i to think that they were overreacting?
i think many of us, in growing up, lose some of our innate childhood sense of humility and conscience. things that were thought to be SO WRONG when we were children, don't seem that bad anymore. an act that we would have suffered in guilt before, we don't even acknowledge as inherently wrong anymore. and in some ways, we've become desensitized to committing these sins. somewhere along the road, we learned to make such extravagant excuses, excuses so brilliant and seemingly logical, that we actually believe that our justifications are valid (and act accordingly). the more i thought about this, the more disconcerting the whole notion became. i never wanted this to happen to me...and yet, without even knowing it, i've subconsciously transformed into this ugly person that i don't even recognize.
as c.s. lewis wrote, "indeed, the safest road to hell is the gradual one--the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts."
today, i am reminded of how utterly flawed i am. i will try better tomorrow.
thank You for opening my eyes.
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