Mind Games

Hello there.

I finally ran a good three miles the other day to Highland Park, around the reservoir (see photo), and back. During the run, the app that I use to train (C25K) crashed (of course) and deleted all my progress. At first I freaked out and got really upset because I was living and breathing for those countdowns and split times. But I took a deep breath and tried to be resourceful instead. Most of the tracks in my running playlist are around 3 minutes long so I just timed myself by songs--run for 1 song, walk for 30 seconds (repeat)--and it really wasn't that bad! Doing this actually made running easier than using the app because I let myself get distracted by the song rather than a countdown of when I can stop running.

I've discovered my brain likes to play mind games with my body. Whenever I have a countdown or some sort of anticipation of when things will be over, my body suddenly has an intense urge to quit right then and there. Perhaps that's why self-motivating mantras don't really work for me. When I tell myself, "Ok, Amy, you just have to keep running until the next stop sign," my body suddenly becomes aware of how tired it is and everything starts to hurt. I've also noticed that this goes for other tasks as well. When I do practice board questions and I keep track of what question number I'm on, I have less patience/concentration and am just itching for a break.

Hmmm, so keeping my mind distracted is the key...

How has training been going for you?

Running

Hello, again.
It's been a while.

I haven't even thought about blogging in the past year because, let's be honest, who has the time as a third year med student? But recently, I've taken up a new hobby that I wanted to share about.

I'm running.

Albeit, it's more of a (huge) challenge rather than a hobby. I can honestly say, I've never enjoyed running. In middle school, i barely barely passed the 1-mile PE requirement. In high school, I walked around the track with a group of girls even less interested in running than I was and lied to our teacher about many laps we were "running".  So this is kind of a big deal for me.

I can be somewhat sadistic in other areas of my life as well, so this is not completely surprising. I deliberately eat foods that I do not like in hopes that perhaps after the 600th olive that I try, I might start to like it. I often say yes lto commitments with people that I have no interest in spending time with hopes that I will practice patience and tolerance.  So similarly on a gloomy Pittsburgh day, I signed up for a 5K, bought my first pair of sneakers in 10 years, installed an app on my phone, and started to run.

And it has not been easy. At all.

I guess I never expected it to be; but I also didn't expect it to be this hard. It's not hard to start running (it feels great the first 30 seconds or so), it's more difficult to keep going. I still don't know how people do it. Even on a perfect evening on level ground, I want to give up after a few minutes. I honestly think this is one of the hardest things I've had to push myself to do--and I'm not even sure as to why it's so difficult. I can sit in the library for hours studying something I couldn't care less about. I can hike with a 40-lb backpack for days without a shower. I can even wake up at 4 am everyday only to stand around in a cold OR and get yelled at for 12+ hours a day. But run for a mile without stopping? No way. I'd rather die.

It's been a week since I started "training". I do a mix of running and walking (according to my app) for a total of 2-2.5 miles usually, though I hardly ever run for longer than 2-3 minutes at a time. I see my split times improving, which gives me some encouragement and motivation, but every run is still a huge challenge for me. I'm still working it out in my head, trying to figure out why I have this mental block against running (even when I chant positive, motivating mantras in my head!), and continuously pushing myself to keep running.

Maybe I need someone to chase me.

So for any one else out there who would like to challenge yourselves and join me on this journey, I would love the company. Here's to taking the leap!

my bff accused of being a hipster.

am i?

Blogger, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr...what?

I have too many blogs.

I am one of those people who is interested in everything but never actually sticks to anything. I am that girl who signs up for every single club at the activities fair with fantasies of making XYZ Club the most popular organization on campus, but ends up barely making it to two meetings the entire year. Then somewhere down the line, I become tremendously disappointed in my lack of success and end up eating a pint of ice cream to assuage of my self-pitying feelings of inadequacy, when really, I never invested in any of my endeavors to begin with. The fact that I have a blogger, a twitter, a facebook, a tumblr, a google+, a myspace, and a weibo (...I think my xanga and livejournal are still around too...) but hardly use any of them, illustrates my point precisely. I like brainstorming ideas and even starting projects, but I rarely have the patience to see things through. (Already, I'm beginning to question whether I should finish/publish this entry at all...) Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist and I assume that whatever I'll be able to create will never measure up to my expectations. Maybe I'm too scared that truly investing in something carries too high of a risk of disappointment. Maybe I just can't commit. 

I can't even commit to a blog; how am I ever going accomplish anything meaningful for the world?

(42)

I am really craving a bittersweet love story right now. Sadly, Pittsburgh is not cool enough to have (500) days of Summer playing anywhere around here. So i picked up The History of Love, a novel by Nicole Krauss--and from the first few paragraphs, it is filled with loneliness and a quirky wanderlust attitude. It will have to do for now.

2046

所有记忆都是潮湿的~~

matthew 18:3

wow.

for the past few nights, i've been spit on, chased after, screamed at, and knocked around by a bunch of rambunctious K-5th graders all for the sake of planting little seeds. yet, in the process of teaching these kids who God is, i've come to see and feel the very essence of God's presence through them. i couldn't help but tear up a couple of times just watching their pure eagerness and enthusiasm. though they may not fully grasp concepts like grace, forgiveness, and faith, they are able to jump in with both feet. and isn't that just what God wants everyone of us to do? leap into his arms with no hesistation--completely trusting, completely faithful. i am utterly and completely exhausted now but i am brimming with joy and hope and happiness. i am so thankful that i was blessed with such a dynamic and enthusiastic (not to mention, absolutely adorable) group of kids who taught me more about Him than i ever expected. God is soooo amazing and infinitely good.

I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kindgom of heaven. --Matthew 18:3

just wow.