summer glow

i had a loverly day. i am exhausted in the best way possible. sweet dreams await.

Thank You.

the serpent

it really pisses me off to hear the promising, catchy intro of a song only to decide by the chorus that i hate it. i feel cheated that it tricked me into even listening to it. bad songs should just suck from the beginning instead of luring me astray and persuading me to listen to it a second time in a fruitless effort to find something good about it besides the intro.

i am so becoming more and more outwardly opinionated lately. hrm...

A Pittsburgh Summer

I'm back in Pittsburgh--where the strangers are nicer, the streets are never straight, and the weather is ever so dreadful--for the summer. When I got off the plane at 6 AM yesterday and walked through the silent airport, I had the strange warm settled feeling in my heart, you know, the kind that you feel when you've returned home from a long trip. The funny thing is, I didn't feel like this returning to Hangzhou; I didn't feel like this when I returned from China to SoPas; yet, I feel like this when I return to school...? Never in a million years would I imagine myself really attached to this place. But here I am.

***

Today, a friend and I went to Big Mama's House of Soul, which I finally decided to venture into after reading a top chef's recommendation in a travel mag. For those who don't know, it's a ridiculously tiny one room bright golden yellow building in the strip district that serves the best soul food around. Inside, every inch of wall space is lined with Steeler posters and paraphernalia, declaring that you're entering STEEELER NATION now. Behind the counter, there are only two people working, but by the smell of it, they're cooking up something absolutely delicious. We ordered four pulled pork sandwiches: two for ourselves and two for other friends who have requested us to bring those infamous creations back for them. While the guy started preparing our order, he struck up a conversation with me about "his girl"--namely, his frustrations with the confusing nature of a particular woman. I guess he figured that since it takes a woman to know women, he'd ask me for my opinion. Twenty-odd minutes and a string of crazy relationship stories later, I was finally allowed out of the door with my sandwiches. I was thoroughly amused by the encounter but longed to statisfy my growling stomach. Later, I found out that the initial delay only made the sandwich--stuffed with pulled pork and dripping with barbeque sauce--well worth the time spent chatting with a stranger. What a delicious afternoon...

shame on me

i honestly think i keep up with this blog much better in the summer.

don't worry, summer's coming. i will have a lot more to say then :)

different names for the same thing

let that be enough

rainy days make me contemplative. so here goes.

recently, i've been feeling a wave of devastating apathy. combine that along with a sudden onset of reclusive behavior, and you've got a recipe for disaster. or at least some prolonged period sitting in my little emo corner. and i'm not really sure where all of this stemmed from, it just...is.

today, walking along in the frigid rainy weather to class, i realized that apathy is perhaps not quite the right word to use here because underneath all of my weird mixed up feelings, is a general brokenheartedness about something. that something which has no name.

this is all a little vague.

i know this is strange to say but it actually feels a little bit like God has somehow abandoned me. and this utter loneliness is what i feel. that's He's not there in the leaves or accompanying me to class or sitting in on my conversations with others. this loneliness that nobody else can fill. i know i'm being ridiculous here. God is always by my side, i know, i know. but maybe You can show me a little more?

let me know that You hear me
let me know Your touch
let me know that You love me
let that be enough

pas si simple

i recently got around to finally watching Amelie (perhaps a few years too late) and found myself placing that movie near the top of my favorites list. i identify very strongly with amelie in having a ridiculously vivid imagination, day-dreaming 24/7, and the utter loneliness she feels deep down.

sometimes when on my way to class, especially on rainy days, i become amazed at every little detail of the world-- listening to the sound of each and every raindrop hitting my umbrella, gently taking in the lovely soggy wet smell of the air, becoming aware of the movement of every muscle in my body working in conjunction to move me forward. it's hypnotizing, really.

and on those days, i feel outside of myself, as if i'm floating high above the earth, looking down on the little girl holding a red umbrella. and all fo a sudden, i get this awful sense of loneliness...like the rest of the world has no idea that i'm floating there and couldn't care less as they rush by, splashing water onto the little girl.

so blended into a deep sense of connection with the world, i feel a disconnection with it. it's all a little bittersweet.