Mind Games

Hello there.

I finally ran a good three miles the other day to Highland Park, around the reservoir (see photo), and back. During the run, the app that I use to train (C25K) crashed (of course) and deleted all my progress. At first I freaked out and got really upset because I was living and breathing for those countdowns and split times. But I took a deep breath and tried to be resourceful instead. Most of the tracks in my running playlist are around 3 minutes long so I just timed myself by songs--run for 1 song, walk for 30 seconds (repeat)--and it really wasn't that bad! Doing this actually made running easier than using the app because I let myself get distracted by the song rather than a countdown of when I can stop running.

I've discovered my brain likes to play mind games with my body. Whenever I have a countdown or some sort of anticipation of when things will be over, my body suddenly has an intense urge to quit right then and there. Perhaps that's why self-motivating mantras don't really work for me. When I tell myself, "Ok, Amy, you just have to keep running until the next stop sign," my body suddenly becomes aware of how tired it is and everything starts to hurt. I've also noticed that this goes for other tasks as well. When I do practice board questions and I keep track of what question number I'm on, I have less patience/concentration and am just itching for a break.

Hmmm, so keeping my mind distracted is the key...

How has training been going for you?

Running

Hello, again.
It's been a while.

I haven't even thought about blogging in the past year because, let's be honest, who has the time as a third year med student? But recently, I've taken up a new hobby that I wanted to share about.

I'm running.

Albeit, it's more of a (huge) challenge rather than a hobby. I can honestly say, I've never enjoyed running. In middle school, i barely barely passed the 1-mile PE requirement. In high school, I walked around the track with a group of girls even less interested in running than I was and lied to our teacher about many laps we were "running".  So this is kind of a big deal for me.

I can be somewhat sadistic in other areas of my life as well, so this is not completely surprising. I deliberately eat foods that I do not like in hopes that perhaps after the 600th olive that I try, I might start to like it. I often say yes lto commitments with people that I have no interest in spending time with hopes that I will practice patience and tolerance.  So similarly on a gloomy Pittsburgh day, I signed up for a 5K, bought my first pair of sneakers in 10 years, installed an app on my phone, and started to run.

And it has not been easy. At all.

I guess I never expected it to be; but I also didn't expect it to be this hard. It's not hard to start running (it feels great the first 30 seconds or so), it's more difficult to keep going. I still don't know how people do it. Even on a perfect evening on level ground, I want to give up after a few minutes. I honestly think this is one of the hardest things I've had to push myself to do--and I'm not even sure as to why it's so difficult. I can sit in the library for hours studying something I couldn't care less about. I can hike with a 40-lb backpack for days without a shower. I can even wake up at 4 am everyday only to stand around in a cold OR and get yelled at for 12+ hours a day. But run for a mile without stopping? No way. I'd rather die.

It's been a week since I started "training". I do a mix of running and walking (according to my app) for a total of 2-2.5 miles usually, though I hardly ever run for longer than 2-3 minutes at a time. I see my split times improving, which gives me some encouragement and motivation, but every run is still a huge challenge for me. I'm still working it out in my head, trying to figure out why I have this mental block against running (even when I chant positive, motivating mantras in my head!), and continuously pushing myself to keep running.

Maybe I need someone to chase me.

So for any one else out there who would like to challenge yourselves and join me on this journey, I would love the company. Here's to taking the leap!

my bff accused of being a hipster.

am i?

Blogger, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr...what?

I have too many blogs.

I am one of those people who is interested in everything but never actually sticks to anything. I am that girl who signs up for every single club at the activities fair with fantasies of making XYZ Club the most popular organization on campus, but ends up barely making it to two meetings the entire year. Then somewhere down the line, I become tremendously disappointed in my lack of success and end up eating a pint of ice cream to assuage of my self-pitying feelings of inadequacy, when really, I never invested in any of my endeavors to begin with. The fact that I have a blogger, a twitter, a facebook, a tumblr, a google+, a myspace, and a weibo (...I think my xanga and livejournal are still around too...) but hardly use any of them, illustrates my point precisely. I like brainstorming ideas and even starting projects, but I rarely have the patience to see things through. (Already, I'm beginning to question whether I should finish/publish this entry at all...) Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist and I assume that whatever I'll be able to create will never measure up to my expectations. Maybe I'm too scared that truly investing in something carries too high of a risk of disappointment. Maybe I just can't commit. 

I can't even commit to a blog; how am I ever going accomplish anything meaningful for the world?

(42)

I am really craving a bittersweet love story right now. Sadly, Pittsburgh is not cool enough to have (500) days of Summer playing anywhere around here. So i picked up The History of Love, a novel by Nicole Krauss--and from the first few paragraphs, it is filled with loneliness and a quirky wanderlust attitude. It will have to do for now.

2046

所有记忆都是潮湿的~~

matthew 18:3

wow.

for the past few nights, i've been spit on, chased after, screamed at, and knocked around by a bunch of rambunctious K-5th graders all for the sake of planting little seeds. yet, in the process of teaching these kids who God is, i've come to see and feel the very essence of God's presence through them. i couldn't help but tear up a couple of times just watching their pure eagerness and enthusiasm. though they may not fully grasp concepts like grace, forgiveness, and faith, they are able to jump in with both feet. and isn't that just what God wants everyone of us to do? leap into his arms with no hesistation--completely trusting, completely faithful. i am utterly and completely exhausted now but i am brimming with joy and hope and happiness. i am so thankful that i was blessed with such a dynamic and enthusiastic (not to mention, absolutely adorable) group of kids who taught me more about Him than i ever expected. God is soooo amazing and infinitely good.

I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kindgom of heaven. --Matthew 18:3

just wow.

empty

thought it would be easy.
but forgot that it never is.

Ugh

i wish i can just take a photograph and send that in for my personal statement. a picture's worth a thousand words, right?

ugh.

summer glow

i had a loverly day. i am exhausted in the best way possible. sweet dreams await.

Thank You.

the serpent

it really pisses me off to hear the promising, catchy intro of a song only to decide by the chorus that i hate it. i feel cheated that it tricked me into even listening to it. bad songs should just suck from the beginning instead of luring me astray and persuading me to listen to it a second time in a fruitless effort to find something good about it besides the intro.

i am so becoming more and more outwardly opinionated lately. hrm...

A Pittsburgh Summer

I'm back in Pittsburgh--where the strangers are nicer, the streets are never straight, and the weather is ever so dreadful--for the summer. When I got off the plane at 6 AM yesterday and walked through the silent airport, I had the strange warm settled feeling in my heart, you know, the kind that you feel when you've returned home from a long trip. The funny thing is, I didn't feel like this returning to Hangzhou; I didn't feel like this when I returned from China to SoPas; yet, I feel like this when I return to school...? Never in a million years would I imagine myself really attached to this place. But here I am.

***

Today, a friend and I went to Big Mama's House of Soul, which I finally decided to venture into after reading a top chef's recommendation in a travel mag. For those who don't know, it's a ridiculously tiny one room bright golden yellow building in the strip district that serves the best soul food around. Inside, every inch of wall space is lined with Steeler posters and paraphernalia, declaring that you're entering STEEELER NATION now. Behind the counter, there are only two people working, but by the smell of it, they're cooking up something absolutely delicious. We ordered four pulled pork sandwiches: two for ourselves and two for other friends who have requested us to bring those infamous creations back for them. While the guy started preparing our order, he struck up a conversation with me about "his girl"--namely, his frustrations with the confusing nature of a particular woman. I guess he figured that since it takes a woman to know women, he'd ask me for my opinion. Twenty-odd minutes and a string of crazy relationship stories later, I was finally allowed out of the door with my sandwiches. I was thoroughly amused by the encounter but longed to statisfy my growling stomach. Later, I found out that the initial delay only made the sandwich--stuffed with pulled pork and dripping with barbeque sauce--well worth the time spent chatting with a stranger. What a delicious afternoon...

shame on me

i honestly think i keep up with this blog much better in the summer.

don't worry, summer's coming. i will have a lot more to say then :)

different names for the same thing

let that be enough

rainy days make me contemplative. so here goes.

recently, i've been feeling a wave of devastating apathy. combine that along with a sudden onset of reclusive behavior, and you've got a recipe for disaster. or at least some prolonged period sitting in my little emo corner. and i'm not really sure where all of this stemmed from, it just...is.

today, walking along in the frigid rainy weather to class, i realized that apathy is perhaps not quite the right word to use here because underneath all of my weird mixed up feelings, is a general brokenheartedness about something. that something which has no name.

this is all a little vague.

i know this is strange to say but it actually feels a little bit like God has somehow abandoned me. and this utter loneliness is what i feel. that's He's not there in the leaves or accompanying me to class or sitting in on my conversations with others. this loneliness that nobody else can fill. i know i'm being ridiculous here. God is always by my side, i know, i know. but maybe You can show me a little more?

let me know that You hear me
let me know Your touch
let me know that You love me
let that be enough

pas si simple

i recently got around to finally watching Amelie (perhaps a few years too late) and found myself placing that movie near the top of my favorites list. i identify very strongly with amelie in having a ridiculously vivid imagination, day-dreaming 24/7, and the utter loneliness she feels deep down.

sometimes when on my way to class, especially on rainy days, i become amazed at every little detail of the world-- listening to the sound of each and every raindrop hitting my umbrella, gently taking in the lovely soggy wet smell of the air, becoming aware of the movement of every muscle in my body working in conjunction to move me forward. it's hypnotizing, really.

and on those days, i feel outside of myself, as if i'm floating high above the earth, looking down on the little girl holding a red umbrella. and all fo a sudden, i get this awful sense of loneliness...like the rest of the world has no idea that i'm floating there and couldn't care less as they rush by, splashing water onto the little girl.

so blended into a deep sense of connection with the world, i feel a disconnection with it. it's all a little bittersweet.

romeo and juliet

often times we reduce religion down to its people, its rules, its failings. we debate, and argue, and fight wars in the name of religious purposes. we forget that religion itself carries with it only what man has created.
christianity in pop culture has become something that christians don't even want to identify themselves with anymore. what once stood by faith alone has become so twisted, so intellectualized, so tainted with the sins of man that most people look down upon believers, and believers themselves doubt and hide themselves in the shadows. having faith now translates to "being religious" which carries with it such a negative connotation that it leaves us with a bitter taste in our mouths.
it is quite a shame because believing the gospel of Christ is quite the opposite of what pop culture has to say about it. the christian faith, stripped of all its embellishments is a rather simple love story. even after man failed Him again and again and again, God still hasn't given up on us. and what's more is that He has sent His only son to die in our place so that we may be rescued. you and i. and there's no catch. no need to do a million good deeds to earn this love. no need to pay Him back. it's completely unconditional love, completely free. being Christian isn't about following a set of rules outlined in the bible, or going to church x times a year, or even volunteering at homeless shelters in order to obtain a ticket to heaven. it's about saying yes to a relationship, one that fills you to the brim with life and love, and respecting and honoring the one you love.
i know everything i'm saying seems pretty obvious to those of us who have grown up hearing this in church, youth group, or bible study. but i also think that we often lose ourselves in "being christian" to actually be Christian. we see Him as a nagging conscience or an obligation that we must fulfill, not for the lover we choose to love back. every time i hear, talk, or read about Christ, i have a overwhelming feeling of raw emotion rise within me. a sense of awe, a sense of complete humility, a sense of longing for Him to fix me. for those of you do not yet believe, i know how you feel. it all seems too vague, a little too good to be true, and somewhat hypocritical to the image of Christ circulating in the world today (and i want to apologize for all the "christians" you have encountered who did not represent Him in his true light). i don't think i've ever truly understood the message of Christ until recently. i've heard it, but there were always too many philosophical, logistic questions in the way about suffering and hell and whatever else. now it's finally resonating within me and the answers to those question are slowly becoming clearer. to believe, you need not to be "convinced." just listen and He will provide you more than you should ever desire.

john 3:16


(wow, rob bell really inspired me to write more than i ever thought i would)

uh oh

i had a caffeine headache today.
i think i'm addicted to coffee bean. crap.

lump

recently i've noticed some changes working within me. at first, i didn't necessarily consider these changes to be either good or bad; just thought of them as a normal part of growing up. but then, i started thinking...

let me explain.

about little over a month ago, i was kind of retarded and hit my car against a pole. it didn't cause any major damage, just a semi-noticeable scratch on the front right bumper portion of my car. i failed to mention it to my parents, partly due to the fact that i know it would anger them and partly due to my own selfish desire to avoid their lecturing. thus, i just let it be and went on about my business.

the sad thing was, i didn't even feel that guilty about it and moved on with my life. i didn't consider it a big deal and chose to ignore it.

then, about two days ago, my dad discovered that scratch and he confronted me about it. but instead of fessing up and apologizing, i actually became defensive, trying to convince him that it was no big idea and gave him attitude for "overreacting." when my mother heard the news, she went on to reprimand about on not informing them when things go wrong. she even went so far as to suggest that if i didn't think it was necessarily to include them in my life, i might as well not be a part of this family. as i listened to her yell at me, i became increasingly irritated at the fact that they were making such a big deal out of this small incident. it was later that i realized that during this whole ordeal, i never once even felt guilty or obliged to apologize. clearly, i was in the wrong, but somehow, i instinctive felt that i was being wrongfully condemned for a petty crime.

where had my conscience gone? when did i become such an arrogant jerk who shows such disrespect towards her parents? who was i to think that they were overreacting?

i think many of us, in growing up, lose some of our innate childhood sense of humility and conscience. things that were thought to be SO WRONG when we were children, don't seem that bad anymore. an act that we would have suffered in guilt before, we don't even acknowledge as inherently wrong anymore. and in some ways, we've become desensitized to committing these sins. somewhere along the road, we learned to make such extravagant excuses, excuses so brilliant and seemingly logical, that we actually believe that our justifications are valid (and act accordingly). the more i thought about this, the more disconcerting the whole notion became. i never wanted this to happen to me...and yet, without even knowing it, i've subconsciously transformed into this ugly person that i don't even recognize.

as c.s. lewis wrote, "indeed, the safest road to hell is the gradual one--the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts."

today, i am reminded of how utterly flawed i am. i will try better tomorrow.

thank You for opening my eyes.

music to my ears

i'm in a mood for lots and lots and lots (did i mention LOTS?) of new music.
i'm listening to everything from m-flo to t-pain to the new pornographers to yo-yo ma.
it makes studying almost enjoyable.

got suggestions?
bring it on.